I Think I’m Just Going to Call This Done

I am very sorry to anyone who may be coming back here to see if I have posted anything new. My stats tell me that in spite of my putting my web address out in numerous places that in the past few months there has been exactly one glance at this site, and that is pretty much how the stats have looked since I started this–one every few months, or if I’m lucky, two. It is a bit discouraging to see those stats.

In addition, it has been many months since I have posted anything new. I have planned to post things for a while, but never got around to it. I was sick for a while and unable to do much but sleep, but after getting over that, I still did not get back to posting even though the list of things to say kept growing. I really am noticing how overwhelmed I am with all the things I should be doing, that I really cannot justify spending much time writing a blog post. It was too many things to try to do, or to be cliche, blogging has become that last straw that slips away to prevent breaking the proverbial donkey’s back. I cannot promise to post with any regularity, and do not want to disappoint anyone, especially since my target audience likely already has enough on their plate’s without my adding to it, so I must regrettfully announce that I will leave all posts up on this blog, and anyone may feel free to comment, but I almost certainly will no longer be trying to find time to create any new posts. If anyone were to comment I believe that goes to my email and I could respond, but considering the lack of any comments thus far that appears to be a moot point.

I am Sorry

I apologize way too much. This is something I am working on, but I really do need to apologize that I have not posted something in over a month. I have been busy, which is part of the problem, but also I have struggled with perfectionism in the past, and in not being sure what to post next I have posted nothing. I know I am mostly writing to myself right now because looking at my stats I can see no one has seen this page in weeks, but what would help me the most in deciding what to write next, would be if someone would tell me what they want to see me write about.

I apologize far too often, and I apologize for everything whether it is my fault or not. I win a game: I apologize. Someone bumps into me in the hallway: I apologize. I like something someone else does not or do not like something someone else does: I apologize. When anything goes wrong in my or anyone else’s life I blame myself. This has enabled me to become overly critical of myself, and to let people push me around however they choose. When people push me around I become even more critical of myself, blaming myself for letting them do it. I have been learning that I need to be able to stand up for myself. It is important to stand up for myself because while right now my passivity has not led me into anything overly wrong, I can see that as people realize how ready to mold myself to their wishes I am, they begin to take advantage of it more and more. This could easily lead into more negative activities if I do not act on this deficit of tenacity.

While I have written this in regard to my own struggle with blame, I think it really can be applicable to others as well, or maybe you have the opposite problem and are not really able to blame yourself for anything. My challenge to you is that as the new year comes up bringing your resolutions for the new year to commit to taking a look at the places in your life where you have been placing blame either on yourself or others and how that has affected you. For me, I did not realize how much control blame had on me until I was learning about forgiveness and realized that I honestly could think of no one to forgive because I had placed all blame on myself. In order to think of someone to forgive I had to go back to the things I was blaming myself for and systematically discover who I really should have blamed and forgive that person as well as myself. Not that I think blame is good, but if you are someone who blames yourself, you need to take the blame off of yourself and I think the best way to do this is to find someone else to place it on and forgive them, and in doing so forgive yourself as well.

TWLOHA Day

Today, Friday, November 13, is Nationwide TWLOHA Day. If you do not know, TWLOHA stands for “To Write Love on Her Arms.” This organization’s goal is to support and give hope to those struggling with self-injury and suicidal temptations. While I support this goal, you may be surprised that I do not think TWLOHA is the wonderful organization people make it out to be. While it may be awesome for some people, and their vision is in the right place, it is not quite so idyllic for me, and likely many others. My method of SI was never cutting, however, when I ran across the TWLOHA site, it was very tempting. The visual of ‘love’ being so prominently displayed on my arms sounded so desirable. The name gave me the idea of carving a heart into my arm and cutting the word ‘love’ around it. For months after seeing that site I constantly yearned to put this mark onto my arms to remind me of love. I was able to resist this, but if I had seen it at a point where I was closer to hurting myself already I do not think I could have managed to resist the urge to cut myself in that way. This is why I think it is necessary to use caution before jumping to the conclusion that websites such as TWLOHA will be a help to someone who was struggling, because to anyone out there who is like me, it could very well be a hindrance.

Now What??

So, now that I have created this page I do not really know what direction to go next. Ideas would be very welcome. In addition, I think I forgot to mention in my intro post that comments are very welcome. I want this to be a place people feel safe to share whatever they want to share. I know for me posting using my true name is scary, so if you want to post under a pseudonym, or even a different name every time you comment that is totally cool by me.

I found this on another blog and I think it wonderfully describes who I want this blog to be for, but I cannot take credit for coming up with this list, except the last one which was not a part of the original post I found.

for the many out there who are still trapped in darkness

for the ones who are listening to the lie that they can never be forgiven

for the ones who think they are broken beyond repair

for the ones who really believe they are worthless

for the ones who have given up hope

for the ones who want to help any of the above

What is This?

I once was struggling the way you are. We all have struggled at some point. Likely no one truly can struggle the exact same way as another, but struggles are something we all share. As I struggled I asked God why. Why did I struggle? Why did I feel called to stop? Why is it so hard?

What I struggled with was self-injury. That will be my focus here, but if that is not what you struggle with, I would encourage you to read on anyway. I know that while much of my online healing came from sites about SI, it also helped to look at those about other problems such as eating disorders, and sexual desires, because breaking free from any struggle that has such a hold in your life is an extremely difficult endeavor and is similar in many ways to breaking free from any other struggles.

Talking to people and creating words out of my thoughts and feelings is extremely difficult for me. I finally concluded that God chose me to suffer in order to be equipped to help others. This site is the tangible extension of that and I am relying on God to give me the words to tell my story and really be able to positively influence others.

I have created many ‘invisible friends’ which are essentially pieces of myself. They help me cope by allowing my thoughts and feelings to separate. Maybe Abigail Faith gets the frustration, Kaylee Zaner gets the desire to help, and so on. When I started my struggle to break free I felt God pushing me to tell, but I was still living in shame, desiring anonymity. I created a new ‘friend,’ Hannah Arizona, who sent anonymous messages to a friend via facebook along with how to contact me. The odd thing though, is other times I had created ‘friends’ they quickly became connected to myself, but Hannah still just feels like the made-up name it is. I think this is God telling me I cannot blame my hurt on invisible entities. I believe Hannah is now available for use by other girls who struggle as I did. I think it would be amazing if a group of girls could be brought together by answering “I am” to the phrase “Who is Hannah Arizona.” For all the Hannah Arizona’s out there, I promise there really is hope.

I am noticing that I have already used multiple terms for hurting myself. It goes by many names including: SI, self-injury, SIB, self-injurious behavior, self-harm, SIV, self-inflicted violence, self-abuse, self-mutilation, parasuicide, self-damage, cutting, self-punishment, burning, DSH, and deliberate self-harm. I would not be surprised if there are other names for it, but these are the ones that I have seen.